FLAWLESS EXECUTION

FLAWLESS EXECUTION

EPISODE 1: "FALLING FOR IT" By Mike Anderson

Mike Anderson Mikeoftheandersons@gmail.com 347-217-1722

EXT. THE CASTLE SQUARE- DAY

Torches burn. An angelic soprano sings haunting Latin as a mysterious figure in a robe walks onto a small wood stage.

HOODED FIGURE
For lo, the Lord said, "The key to

comedy is... surprise!"

He throws the hood back to reveal... a powdered-white clown face, complete with red nose and silly costume. This is NIGEL. (30’s, handsome asshole.)

Goofy music. Another clown, HAL, enters (30’s, lovable Teddy bear). Their show is a mix of slapstick, pies in the face, banana peels, farts, and violence. It’s macabre but hilarious. They bow, covered in fake blood and whipped cream.

Reveal: An audience of 5 idiotic-looking peasants and weird fantasy creatures: Goblins, ogres, dwarves. They’re all confused, uncomfortable, and offended. Scattered applause as they pass a hat for collection.

NIGEL
Thank ye! I'm Nigel, and that's me

sidekick, Hal!
Close on Hal, who doesn’t like being called a sidekick.

NIGEL (CONT'D)
If you liked the show, throw us a

coin or seven and-

DWARF You suck!

NIGEL
Shutup, dwarf! You must be this

tall for me to give a flaming basilisk turd what you think!

The dwarf leaps on stage and punches Nigel in the balls. INT. DRESSING ROOM- DAY

Hal and Nigel quietly wipe off makeup and change into street clothes. Nigel limps painfully, rubbing his balls.

HAL
Whew. Some audience today, eh?

NIGEL Yep... Some audience.

HAL Good show, mate.

NIGEL You too... Mate.

HAL Something wrong, chum?

NIGEL
Why would ye think something's

wrong... Chum?

HAL
Cos ye keep repeating what I say in

a resentful-like tone, then pausing before the last word. Like... This.

NIGEL
Whyever should I be resentful? Look at

this haul! Two shillings, a drachma, a pus-covered bandage, and what appears to be a drawing of a middle finger-

HAL That's upside down.

Nigel flips it. It's not a middle finger. It's a penis.

NIGEL
So, huzzah! We're a hit!

HAL
Right? I nailed the big fall today!

NIGEL
That was sarcasm, Hal! Just like-

"We're not utter failures and our show doesn't suck a fuzzy hobbit taint." I mean, what the hell are we doing?!

HAL Yelling?!

NIGEL
I meant in the show?!

HAL Clowning?!

NIGEL
You know what I'm talking about ye

cockswoggling scoundrel! They hated us! That ogre was plum offended!

2.

HAL
Everything offends ogres. And if

anyone should be complaining it's me! Firstoff, I'm not your sidekick! Secondoff, what was with the extra pie? Your lil’ “improv” nearly made me break my neck and die! That wouldn't have been funny, would it?

NIGEL
Come off it, slipping and falling's

been funny for centuries, because nobody dies from it-

Ominous sound cue. Lightning. Thunder. Earthquake.

NIGEL (CONT'D) Why do I feel like I just

foreshadowed something? EXT. THE CASTLE MARKETPLACE- DAY

Nigel and Hal walk through a marketplace, packed with
goblins, trolls, etc working stores like "This Sh*t is Tights- Leggings" and "Chainmailboxes Etc." “Bear Hands Construction”

HAL
Sure, the show could use some

tweaks, but you don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater-

NIGEL
You do if it’s a shite baby. Ask yer Mum.

HAL
How should ye like to feast upon

mine knuckle sandwich?!

NIGEL
How should ye like to meet

(Referring to his fists.) The Duke, and The Fist Formally Known as The Prince?

HAL
Stop acting like a bloody ogre,

Nigel! Oh, no offense, Phil.

The street goes quiet. PHIL THE OGRE, standing right by them, is clearly offended.

PHIL THE OGRE None taken.

3.

HAL
I don't have anything against

Ogres.

PHIL THE OGRE Nobody said you did.

HAL
Our neighbor's an Ogre and he's the

nicest bloke- really-

PHIL THE OGRE
Oh, he's one of the good ones? Your

one ogre friend?

HAL
Now you're twisting my words-

PHIL
It's fine. This will be perfect for

my post later. Have a good day. Hal and Nigel awkwardly walk away.

HAL
"Have a good day." Sensitive Nancy.

Piss off!

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S)

HAL Sorry, Nancy!

NIGEL
I'm telling you, we need a new spin,

something that'll draw a huge crowd- They walk into a huge crowd.

NIGEL (CONT'D) Like this one.

They see a poster for the show on a nearby wall- A picture of LARRY, a cheesy stand-up comedian. It reads: "Larry! A Jerk in a Jerkin, Jerkin'- Uncensored"

NIGEL AND HAL Fucking Larry.

Nigel, Hal push their way through the crowd to get closer to the stage where LARRY performs.

4.

LARRY
You ever notice all tapestries look

the same? They could put anything on there, but it's always Bloody Jesus, Unicorn, Lion, another Bloody Jesus-

NIGEL
God I hate that guy.

LARRY
I wanna be a wizard- not for the magic-

the robe! Looks comfy AF! Keep the pointy hat, I wanna go 'round in a blanket and no underpants! Let the ol' wand flop around. This guy knows what I'm talking about!

He points to a goblin, who's clapping and nodding.

NIGEL
Hack. I bet next he does an "Elves

are like this but dwarves are like this.”

LARRY
Elves walk around all "The blood-

dawn shall dispel dark enchantments." But dwarves are just like, "Bitch, where's my gold?!"

A group of clearly drunk dwarves clap and laugh heartily.

LARRY (CONT'D) The Queen is here today.

(audience politely cheers) Did you hear about her?

The audience uncomfortably looks to the Queen... who is fucking terrifying. Larry notices this.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Well, the- uh, the thing about the

Queen is... she's so lovely, and... pleasant. Let's hear it for her!

Everyone politely applauds in fear.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Anyhoo, now, what you've all been

waiting for... the grand finale!

HAL
Look at this crowd! How does he do it?!

5.

A masked, bound prisoner is lead in as Larry pulls on a hood.

LARRY
Hear ye hear ye, ye've been found- is

it ye've? Thou'st? Thee've? Whatever, point is, you're guilty of... crimes. Now bring out the wheel o'deeeeeeath!

A troll-woman in a skimpy outfit rolls on a Game Show wheel, which Larry spins. It lands on "Drawn and quartered."

LARRY (CONT'D)
Now on behalf of Queen Wendy

Roughingtonshirevillebottom, the Third, I execute you in the name of... Queen Wendy Roughingtonshirevillebottom the Third.

He grabs a sword and slices the prisoner's stomach, spilling guts everywhere. Blood showers the audience. They love it.

HAL
Oh. So that's how he does it.

LARRY
Today's execution was brought to

you by Enchantade. Enchantade: The only potion recommended by four out of five warlocks to replenish your humours and balance your bile. Whether questing for holy relics or just raping and pillaging, drink Enchantade: Better than leeching.

INT. LARRY'S DRESSING ROOM

It's noticeably nicer than Hal and Nigel's. Fairy servants work craft services, including a carving station. Another fairy undresses Larry.

LARRY
Don't get handsy now, ye big fairy-

The fairy chirps angrily back in fairy-language.

LARRY (CONT'D)
It's not homophobic, it’s accurate!

(Knock at the door.)
Come on in, ladies! Who wants to pull me sword from me stones-

Nigel and Hal enter to see Larry, nude. (his junk is blurred)

6.

Aw gross!

NIGEL HAL Put it away, Larry!

LARRY
Damn. Thought it was my groupies,

You- Robe! You two- Lotion!

A fairy puts a silky kimono on him. Larry raises his leg up on a chair, again, junk blurred, as the fairies lotion up his legs. This is weird for everyone but Larry.

HAL
We caught your new finale.

LARRY
I killed out there, right? No pun

intended.

NIGEL
You did so intend that pun!-

LARRY
-Did not! With the Crusades in the

Middle East, Kingdom's had to make some "Cuts" in the budget, no pun intended, so the arts are first on the "chopping block", no pun intend-

NIGEL
You can't say that when you blatantly

intend the pun, dick-goblin!

LARRY
The Queen likes weekly executions.

Helps distract the peasantry from noticing how shitty life is and gettin' all rebellion-y. Vis a vis, I took up this public service, and voila- My audience tripled and groupies literally bathe me in gold.

HAL
You don't mean literally bathe-

LARRY
Right, it's more of a gold shower-

(Another knock.)
That'll be them! Come'on in-

He opens his robe, snaps his fingers, and fairies pour buckets of coins over him.

HAL
That looks like it hurts.

LARRY
A little, but it's worth it. Ow. Ow-

7.

Fanfare. THE QUEEN enters. Larry closes the robe.

LARRY (CONT'D)
I gotta stop assuming its groupies.

Your excellency!

NIGEL Your majesty!

LARRY My liege!

NIGEL
Your most regal eminence-

HAL Your highness!

THE QUEEN
Silence, assholes! Funny stuff

today, Larry. We'd like to promote you to Court Jester. And by we I mean me. I know that’s confusing. It's like “There's only one of me!" But yes. You. Court Jester.

LARRY
The big show?! But wait- what

happened to Wesley?

THE QUEEN
He was your... “Guest star” today.

Goo!

NIGEL, HAL, AND LARRY

LARRY What was his crime?

THE QUEEN

He wasn't funny.

NIGEL, HAL, AND LARRY Double goo!

THE QUEEN
And who might you two be?

NIGEL
Who might we be if what?

THE QUEEN
If we asked you right now.

NIGEL
Then I'd be Nigel, and that'd be Hal.

Your grace!

HAL (CONT'D)

HAL (CONT'D) My most high lady of all-

8.

THE QUEEN
Are you friends of Larry's?

NIGEL LARRY
Nope. No, not even a little. Yes. Kind of. I mean, a

little bit-

THE QUEEN
We’re the Queen. How bout that shit?

Crazy, right? Just for being born!

NIGEL
Yes. We knew that. We’re clowns-

THE QUEEN
Clowns, eh?! Do something funny!

NIGEL
Well, I can't just- on the spot,

but- I have this new bit-

THE QUEEN
Boring! What about you, other guy?

Hal kicks Nigel in the balls. Nigel doubles over and farts.

THE QUEEN (CONT'D) Ha! That's good... That's good.

Tell ye what, do next week's show as an audition to replace Larry.

HAL NIGEL
Oh, I don't think we can- We'd be honored! Who's to be

executed?

THE QUEEN
Whoever. See Edgar in the dungeon to

find an execution...ee? Exe- Executie? That sounds wrong. Whatever, We’re Queen. That's a word now. Executie.

HAL
And if, perchance, the audition

doesn't go well?

THE QUEEN
Don't worry, it's not like we execute

people for not being funny! Wait, yes we do do that. Heh. Doo doo. Anyway. Queen out! Executie.

The Queen leaves. Hal and Nigel stand, shocked.

9.

LARRY
Don't stand there like slack-jawed

yeomen, you’ve got work to do.

NIGEL
Right, we need new material!

LARRY
I meant a will. You heard the

Queen, If the audition goes south it’s your funeral. Pun. Intended.

Nigel lunges for Larry but Hal pulls him out the door.

NIGEL
Do you even know what a pun is?!

EXT. STREET- DAY

Nigel and Hal walk down the crowded street, passing ads for "The Pixie Chicks", "Gobblin Seafood: Now 99% Mermaid Free!", "Try WINE: Cuz Life is Terrible."

HAL
Nigel! We can't kill people!

NIGEL
Can't be that hard- Larry does it.

HAL
We could, but we shouldn't!

NIGEL Why not?!

HAL
You ever heard that old adage, "Its

super duper wrong to kill people"?!

NIGEL
They're criminals, Hal! Evildoers!

Plus groupies and fairies and- Nigel stops Hal in the street.

NIGEL (CONT'D)
Hal, how long have we been at this?

HAL
Long enough if I think about how

long it’s been it makes me sad?

NIGEL
And what do we have to show for it?

10.

HAL
Uh... you still have that drawing

of the dong from earlier?

NIGEL
I’m tired of scraping by. Tired of

sharing a lice-ridden bed with you.

HAL
It’s more the lice’s bed they’re

sharing with us at this point.

NIGEL
I want the big show. And I’ll do

whatever it takes to get it. So let's see who's in jail, then make an informed decision- Turdnuggets!

Nigel spots a hideous witch with one googly eye, MELISSA.

NIGEL (CONT'D)
Melissa. Since we broke up she uses

her all-seeing eye exclusively to predict my grim and horrific death. Don't make eye contact.

HAL
I'm trying, but its following me like

one of those bloody Jesus tapestries!
Melissa approaches. Nigel tries to be pleasant and fails.

NIGEL
Melissa! Good to see you...

MELISSA
Hal. Nigel. Good to see you too!

(She laughs. Hard.) You know what else I see?

NIGEL MELISSA (CONT'D) My grim and horrific death? -Your grim and horrific

That's it.

death. NIGEL (CONT'D)

MELISSA
You're in a dark cave, fighting a

huge, powerful knight-

NIGEL
Sounds like me, always fighting

huge powerful knights.

11.

That's me!

MELISSA
There's more! Now you're on stage

and a huge crowd is cheering-

HAL
That doesn't sound like him.

MELISSA
-As you're about to chop off the

head of your best friend!

HAL NIGEL
He's more of a sidekick-

MELISSA
But now he grabs the axe and- maybe-

wait I got this, just gimme a sec-

NIGEL
Ever think with only one all-seeing

eye, your predictions are about as accurate as two some-seeing eyes?

MELISSA
You know what I can still see? That

you're a huge fucking asshole, Nigel! Hal and Nigel watch her stomp off.

HAL
So the sex was unbelievable, right?

NIGEL
It was... terrifying.

INT. THE DUNGEON

Dim. Dark. Dank. Water drips from the ceiling. Nigel and Hal enter and suddenly a small, weird-looking goblin, EDGAR, pops up holding a rat. Nigel and Hal scream.

NIGEL
Are you Edgar the Jailer?

EDGAR
No! I'm Edgar... the Dungeonmaster.

And this is Ratsy. Ye must be the new executio-tainers in need of your next... guest star? Hm! This way!

He giggles bizarrely, then leads Hal and Nigel to a cell filled with... normal, nice-looking people.

12.

NICE-LOOKING GUY Hi! Welcome to the dungeon!

NIGEL
Thanks? So, uh, who here’s evilest?

EDGAR
That fella urinated in the street-

HAL
Crap, that's illegal?!

EDGAR
Of course not, but he's got a

really weird-looking wanker. That lady parked her cart illegally-

HAL
Edgar, these people all seem

really... nice.

NICE-LOOKING GUY I like your shirt!

HAL
Thank you! Do you have anyone like,

infinitely worse?
He leads them to a cell with a terrifying-looking Cave Troll.

EDGAR
This foul beast is Myzar the Dread.

NIGEL
Now we're talking! What'd he do?

Slaughter like a billion puppies? EDGAR

Insider trading.

MYZAR THE DREAD
Since when is it a crime to make a

fortune for my clients? Hi, fellas, let me know if you ever want to talk seriously about your future-

He reaches out with a business card, but Edgar cracks a whip.

EDGAR
Back, vile creature! Back I say!

NIGEL
Edgar, we're looking for murderers,

r-worders, hobbit-kickers even...

13.

EDGAR
Nobody like that's been brought in

since the Knights went on the Crusades.

HAL
Then who's Larry been executing?

EDGAR
Whoever. He wasn't so picky. You

should talk to Sir Craig, he's the only Knight left. But first, I must ask something of great import...

(dramatically)
You guys wanna hang out sometime?

Hal and Nigel really don't want to hang out with him.

NIGEL
Ehhh yeah.... Maybe. We get

super busy, but we'll try-
They keep mumbling excuses as they leave. Edgar pets his rat.

EDGAR
Hear that, Ratsy? We're going to

hang out.

EXT. A SLUMMY STREET- EVENING

Nigel and Hal pass some orcs on a shady street hanging out by the "Gnome Depot” and “The Bodice Shop.” A skinny, pimpled teenager runs past with a paint can and brush. Behind him, huffing and puffing, is a red-faced human walrus, SIR CRAIG.

SIR CRAIG
Git back here, ye knave! Git... back...

screw it. I'magitcha later, Scallywag!

HAL Sir Craig?

SIR CRAIG
One sec, I'm a lil' outta... God-in-

heaven-suck-a-goat-dick... breath. That evildoer- He... stole a baby. And then did... evil stuff to it.

NIGEL
He painted your ass, right?

We see the words "Wide Load" painted across Craig's ass.

SIR CRAIG
No! But also, in a way... yes.

HAL
Oh, maybe, I dunno with our

schedules-

14.

HAL
Sir Craig, we need a despicable

asshole who deserves to die.

SIR CRAIG
You mean other than Nigel?

INT. THE KNIGHT'S STATION- EVENING

Wanted posters everywhere. Sir Craig leads in Hal and Nigel and plucks one off the wall, reading "THE BLACK KNIGHT."

SIR CRAIG
How ‘bout The Black Knight?

(Hal and Nigel gasp.)
He was once the kingdom’s greatest hero-

NIGEL
We know, hence the gasp.

SIR CRAIG I was his partner...

Flashback montage, reminiscent of a 70’s cop show opening. The Black Knight and Craig fight crime, punch orcs, tuck and roll on rooftops, and walk toward camera like badasses.

SIR CRAIG (V.O.)
... Til I discovered he murdered a

bunch of the village people!

Flashback ends with Sir Craig discovering the Black Knight over a bunch of horrifically slain villagers.

SIR CRAIG
He’s done stuff so messed up I

won't even say it out loud, like- Craig whispers in his ear. Hal looks horrified.

SIR CRAIG (CONT'D)
And he didn't even clean it first.

Hal vomits.
So go capture him so we can execute him!

15.

HAL

SIR CRAIG
Yeah, I hear what you're saying, and

I'm happy to file a report, but the thing is, everybody who went after him died, so that sounds really super hard and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. Instead, I'ma keep slangin' horse tickets and staying alive, like a boss. You want 'em so bad you get 'em, turdnuts!

HAL
We'll do it! Just tell us how we

find him.

NIGEL
Wait, what's going on? What are we doing?

A cool, epic mapping FX sequence as Craig gives directions.

SIR CRAIG (V.O.)
Past the troll bridge, through the

forest of enchantment, ye shall find the caves of eternal darkness-

NIGEL (V.O.)
Aren't all caves eternally dark?

SIR CRAIG (V.O.)
Lemme finish, Nigel, ya asshole! So yeah, past the troll bridge, Forest

of Enchantment and... I guess that's it. You're there, ready to get all kilt n' whatnot.

End cool mapping FX sequence.

SIR CRAIG
Good luck bros, I'm on lunch break.

Grab me a turkey leg. Boom! EXT. SLUMMY STREETS- EVENING

Nigel and Hal leave the station, passing poor peasants, lepers, and orcs. It's gross and sad. There is a sign for "Discount Slings N' Arrows- Save an Outrageous Fortune!"

NIGEL
What the hell, Hal?!

HAL
What? You got me all hopped up on

serving justice! (MORE)

16.

HAL (CONT'D)
And our other choice is murdering those

nice people in prison- including that guy who liked my shirt!

NIGEL
Look around. This kingdom sucks

feathery griffin balls! Between the plague, the pox, and the famine, life expectancy is just past puberty. Guilty or no, we'd be doing most of these people a favor.

A gross, bearded man lying on the street nods in agreement.

HAL
You didn't hear what he did.

Hal whispers in Nigel's ear. Nigel's eyes go wide.

NIGEL
Without even washing it first?!

Hal nods. Nigel vomits.

NIGEL (CONT'D) We gotta get this guy.

EXT. THE CASTLE- MORNING

Nigel and Hal, on horseback with several packs. Fanfare.

NIGEL
And so begins our quest for the

Black Knight!

HAL
Shoot. I think I left the oven on.

NIGEL
You think you did or you know you did?

HAL
I'm not sure, but I think- no, you

know what? I know I did. I definitely did.

EXT. CASTLE- FIVE MINUTES LATER
Nigel and Hal, back on horseback. Fanfare.

NIGEL
And so, once again begins our quest-

17.

HAL
Think it'll be chilly in the Forest

of Enchantment?

NIGEL
I have no idea, Hal. Can we just go?

HAL
I'm gonna grab a jacket, just in

case. You want me to grab you one?

NIGEL
No, Hal, I don't want a jacket!

EXT. CASTLE- TEN MINUTES LATER

Nigel and Hal back on horseback. Hal wears a jacket. Fanfare.

NIGEL And so begins-

A stable boy runs outside.

STABLE BOY
Hey! Get back here with those

horses, assholes! EXT. CASTLE- FIVE MINUTES LATER

Nigel and Hal, no longer on horseback. Fanfare.

NIGEL
And so beg- ah, fuck it. Let's go.

They start walking. Hal sings and plays mandolin.

HAL
NIGEL AND HAL, HAL AND NIGEL- OFF

TO FIND THE BLACK KNIGHT- EXT. GURGIN'S BRIDGE- DAY

Nigel and Hal come to a bridge guarded by a fierce-looking Troll, GURGIN THE TERRIBLE. Hal’s still singing.

HAL
NIGEL AND HAL. HAL AND NIGEL COME

TO A BRIDGE AND THERE'S AN OGRE, OR MAYBE IT'S A TROLL. IT'S HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE-

18.

NIGEL
Hal, stop. Your minstrelsy sucks.

You're just singing what's happening. I know what’s happening.

HAL
Mayhaps I should be... recording?

He pulls out his recorder and starts playing.

Stop!

GURGIN

NIGEL
Trust me, it's better than the

singing-

GURGIN
No, I mean, halt! I am Gurgin The

Terrible! To cross this bridge you must pay my toll.

NIGEL
We're not paying your troll toll

to cross a bridge built by our taxes, if we paid taxes! The water’s like three inches deep. We can just walk through.

GURGIN
You could... but you might slip and

hit your head on a rock and die.

NIGEL
Dammit- nobody dies from falling!

Ominous sound cue. Lightning. Thunder. Earthquake.

NIGEL (CONT'D) There it is again-

HAL
He's right. What's the toll?

GURGIN
You must... answer my riddle!

NIGEL (snickering)

Seriously?! Okay. Shoot.

GURGIN
Okay, okay. What belongs to you...

but others use it more than you?

19.

HAL Your name.

GURGIN Gurgin the Terrible.

HAL
No, that's the answer.

GURGIN
Wha? How’d you get it so fast?

HAL
We’re comedians, we know wordplay.

NIGEL
If you call that wordplay. More of

a chuckle than a solid bit.

GURGIN
I don’t get it- wait, ohhhh! I get

it now! Heh. Nice. Cross away!
They cross the bridge, but Nigel can't help but laugh.

NIGEL
You don't even know the answers?!

GURGIN
If I knew the answers why would I

ask the riddles? That's ridiculous.

NIGEL
Listen, Gurgin, I don't wanna tell

you how to do your job, but this is a terrible business model.

GURGIN
Exactly! My father Krytar the

Terrible charged riddles, and so did his father, Schlurtin the Terrible. It's the way we do Terrible business.

NIGEL
I'm saying, your kids can't eat

riddle answers. Think about it.

GURGIN
I have a bad business plan? You’re

comedians! How about you quest to get a real job, assholes?!

20.

EXT. THE FOREST OF ENCHANTMENT- DAY

Hal and Nigel walk through the forest, Hal still singing.

HAL
NIGEL AND HAL, HAL AND NIGEL, IN

THE FOREST OF ENCHANTMENT. DOESN'T SEEM DIFFERENT FROM A NORMAL FOREST, BUT IT IS A LITTLE CHILLY- HAL IS SO GLAD HE BROUGHT A JACKET. NIGEL REGRETS NOT GRABBING ONE-

21.

Hal!

NIGEL

HAL What?

NIGEL
I'm starting to like the song.

NIGEL AND HAL (singing)

NIGEL AND HAL, HAL AND NIGEL-
The forest is getting darker, spookier as they travel.

NIGEL
I'm just gonna put this out there-

The Forest of Enchantment sucks. It just seems like a regular forest.

HAL There's a unicorn!

Hal points at TED THE UNICORN, buying drugs from a GNOME.

GNOME
I told you last time, Ted, no

freebies. I'm not running a charity-

TED THE UNICORN
Come on, man! I'll let ya rub my

horn, just give Daddy a lil' taste-

HAL
That's kinda enchanting, I guess?

And what about that dark tower?

He points to a terrifying black tower circled by dragons and guarded by demons. Lightning crashes. A deep voice rumbles "Beware the Shadow King!"

NIGEL
See, now that's too enchanting.

Let's never, ever come back here. EXT. THE CAVE OF ETERNAL DARKNESS- DAY

Nigel and Hal approach the cave. A sign reads "Cave of Eternal Darkness: Warning It's crazy dark in here. For serious, you guys. Like, way darker than a normal cave."

NIGEL AND HAL
So what's the plan? Wait- I thought

you had a plan! HAL

I'm just the sidekick! NIGEL

Now you're okay being a sidekick?!

HAL
Fine- I got it! We’ll use our

greatest tool as comedians...

NIGEL Farts? Depression?

HAL

The Element of Surprise!

NIGEL
Oh we are definitely gonna die-

INT. THE CAVE OF ETERNAL DARKNESS- MOMENTS LATER

In the darkness we see the faint outlines of Hal, Nigel, and a towering figure in pitch black armor... THE BLACK KNIGHT.

HAL
Hi! Are you the Black Knight?

NIGEL
Great element of surprise, Hal.

22.

Nope.

THE BLACK KNIGHT

HAL
Okay. Sorry, have a nice day-

waaaaaaaait! That's exactly what the Black Knight would say!

THE BLACK KNIGHT Ah! Ya got me. I'm the Black

Knight.

NIGEL
I'm Nigel, that's Hal, my sidekick.

HAL
I’m gonna sidekick your throat if

you call me that one more time, ass-

NIGEL
We’ve come to bring you back for

execution ‘cuz you killed an absurd amount of people. Like, one was too many and you went way past that.

THE BLACK KNIGHT Who told you that, Craig?

HAL
Sir Craig! Show some respect!

They all laugh together.

HAL (CONT'D)
He sucks. But, yeah, he sent us

GASP.

You’re god damn right, gasp! HAL

You’re innocent?

THE BLACK KNIGHT
Well, define innocent. Most ethics

are subjective inherited belief systems, and whether someone violates the social contract is-

NIGEL
Jeez, they should call you Sir-

Mantics. I meant you didn’t murder the village people?

after you.
Of course... because he framed me!

THE BLACK KNIGHT NIGEL AND HAL THE BLACK KNIGHT

23.

THE BLACK KNIGHT
Of course not, I love the village

people! I was the top Knight in the kingdom and Craig was my sidekick-

A similar 70’s cop show flashback montage, except this time every time the Black Knight does something heroic, Craig falls, splits open his pants and farts.

HAL (V.O.)
He said he was your partner.

THE BLACK KNIGHT (V.O.) Sidekicks love saying shit like

that. He resented me, so he framed me to nab a big promotion.

NIGEL
But what about all the people

who’ve come here to get you and didn’t return? You killed them!

THE BLACK KNIGHT
No, they tripped and fell in the

darkness of the cave because their eyes hadn’t adjusted like mine.

HAL
Hear that, Nigel? They FELL.

NIGEL
He’s lying! No one dies from-

Ominous sound cue. Nigel yells up to the sky.

NIGEL (CONT'D) Let me finish! -

(back to Hal and BK) From falling.

Lightning. Thunder. Earthquake.

NIGEL (CONT'D)
Well, this changes everything! Hal?

Can we step outside to discuss?

THE BLACK KNIGHT
Sure, just watch where you step-

the cave is littered with bodies-
Nigel steps towards the entrance and we hear a squish.

Ew.

NIGEL

24.

EXT. THE CAVE OF ETERNAL DARKNESS- CONTINUOUS

Hal and Nigel exit. Nigel scrapes his boot on

NIGEL
Dammit, these are my only boots- is

that- I think that’s entrails?

HAL
So you trust The Black Knight?

NIGEL
Of course, no murderer ever said

they were framed. No, dummy! Lying is, like, first day of evil school.

HAL
Must make registration difficult.

So you lied that you trusted him?

NIGEL
When I do it it’s not lying, it’s

acting. Let’s ACT like we believe him, then it’ll be easier to get him back for the ol’ chop-chop-

HAL
I don’t feel good about that-

NIGEL
What happened to Hal the hero guy?!

HAL
It’s easy to be a hero in a world

of absolute good and evil, but-

NIGEL
I should put you back in there with

Ser-Mantics.
(he calls in the cave)

Hey BK! We believe you and we wanna help you get revenge on Sir Craig-

The Black Knight runs out excitedly.

THE BLACK KNIGHT Thank you, that’s-

the entrance.

25.

But the second he hits daylight he reels back.

THE BLACK KNIGHT (CONT'D) Damn, it's bright out here! It's

not even a little eternally dark!

He falls, hits his head and passes out. Hal looks at Nigel.

NIGEL
He didn't die, he just passed out.

Doesn't count. Lightning. Thunder. Earthquake.

NIGEL (CONT'D) IT DOESN'T COUNT!

(to Hal) Now grab a leg-

EXT. MOUNTAINS- DAY

Hal and Nigel travel through mountains, dragging the tied up, GIANT body of the Black Knight, grunting and swearing to an epic orchestral version of "Nigel and Hal."

EXT. GURGIN'S BRIDGE- DAY
Nigel and Hal drag the body to meet Gurgin at the bridge.

GURGIN
Welcome back! I took your advice

and changed my fee structure. 30 quid each, makes 60 for two of you.

NIGEL
Just let us pass, Gurgin! We

captured the Black Knight! See?!

GURGIN THE TERRIBLE Then that'll be 90, twats.

Hal looks at Nigel.

NIGEL
I’ve got something even better-

EXT. THE LARGER STAGE- EVENING

A huge crowd of peasants and fantasy creatures, including EDGAR, GURGIN, and TED THE UNICORN.

GURGIN
Can't believe I tricked those

idiots into giving me a comp instead of paying!

EDGAR
Look, Ratsy! Our best friends is

bout to performs! I bets we gets some backstages passes we will-

26.

TED THE UNICORN
I am so tripping balls right now.

PHIL THE OGRE finishes hammering a sign post into the ground. It reads:” “Why Nigel and Hal’s clown shows are problematic for the ogre community.”

Nigel and Hal enter in clown make up and red noses. The crowd cheers. Quick montage of their show: Three Stooges style lazzi, smacking each other with giant fish, etc. Finally, Nigel and Hal enter in a ridiculous dragon costume.

INT. THE DRAGON COSTUME

Nigel is the head and Hal is the butt. They whisper.

HAL
I think the Black Knight is telling

the truth. Look at how sweaty and uncomfortable Craig is.

NIGEL’S POV through the dragon mask eyes: Craig, drenched in sweat and looking uncomfortable, the only one not laughing.

NIGEL
He’s just out of shape and has to

poop, that’s his second turkey leg.

HAL
I don’t think I can do this, Nigel.

NIGEL
Of course you can, just pull the

cord and it farts out the fire- HAL

I meant the execution! It’s a life!

NIGEL
It’s our lives too! Remember what

the Queen said?!
Hal gravely pulls a cord in the costume.

EXT. A MASSIVE STAGE

We see the dragon costume fart fire. The crowd cheers as Hal and Nigel step out of the costume.

NIGEL
And now, finally, our final finale!

Nigel and Hal pull on black executioner hoods.

27.

HAL
(whispers to Nigel)

Mind ad-libbing a bit while I grab him? Gotta pee.

Nigel nods, Hal exits. Nigel is thrilled to ad lib.

NIGEL
Lords! Ladies! Whores and their

mongers! Idiots, both savant and... regular? Goblins! Ogres! Centaurs! Whatever this guy is-

(To a weird furry guy.) Seriously, are you like a half-man half-badger?

INT. DRESSING ROOM- EVENING (CONTINUOUS)

Hal approaches the Black Knight, who is tied up.

THE BLACK KNIGHT
How’s the show going? Are we almost to the part where we make Sir Craig

confess, then execute him instead.

HAL
To answer your first question, the

show is going pretty well! The timing on the fish slaps was off but the dragon fart destroyed- now as to your second question...

Hal pulls out a black hood and hands it to the Black Knight.

THE BLACK KNIGHT You’re just gonna execute me,

aren’t you?

HAL
Nigel wants to, but I got an idea-

28.

I do too-

THE BLACK KNIGHT

The Black Knight reveals he’s now free from the rope. He grabs Hal and gags his mouth.

EXT. THE MASSIVE STAGE

Nigel is milking his solo opportunity, throwing pies at himself, making a huge mess. The crowd’s had enough.

KOBOLD
Get to the blood, clown!

The audience stars chanting “BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!”

The Black Knight, now wearing Hal’s executioner hood drags on the hooded, gagged and bound Hal.

NIGEL
Hear ye year ye! The Black Knight has

committed crimes so unspeakable our sponsor, Enchantade, asked they be censored: Rubbing bleep over statues of the Queen. Taking a bleep on the royal bleep. Bleeping the Queen’s mother in the bleep with an oversized bleep, whilst bleeping her bleep with a bleep covered bleep, without so much as the bleeping courtesy of washing it first!

The crowd gasps. Gurgin particularly is disgusted and vomits.

NIGEL (CONT'D)
And jaywalking. Now let's find out

how we kill him!
The Wheel O'Death comes out, which Nigel spins to "Beheading"

NIGEL (CONT'D) Beheading! Though I bet the ladies

would've preferred him hung! Right? (Crickets.)

Get the axe, Hal.

The Black Knight grabs the axe to cheers. We can hear Hal's muffled screams under the hood. The Black Knight raises the axe slowly... A hush falls and he...

Lowers it slowly on Hal’s neck to aim. He pulls up the axe again, the crowd goes silent...

THE BLACK KNIGHT
Just aiming. By the way, this is

wedding rules- If anybody sees reason this man should not be executed... speak now or forever hold your peace. Anybody?

He glares at Craig’s red face... who still says nothing. The Black Knight raises the axe. The crowd goes silent as he... lowers it slowly again. He raises it once more.

NIGEL
For pete’s sake, stop milking, Hal!

Nigel tries to grab the axe from the Black Knight.

29.

THE BLACK KNIGHT No, dammit, I’m trying to-

NIGEL
I know what you’re trying to do!

You do?!

THE BLACK KNIGHT

NIGEL
Yes! UPSTAGE ME!! Gimme!

They push and pull in a tug of war, until Nigel finally lets go, the Black Knight tumbles back, holding the axe and falls. Nigel grabs the axe from him.

NIGEL (CONT'D)
Can’t believe you fell for that-

He returns to Hal and raises the axe. He’s just about to chop his head off- when sees MELISSA's googly eye in the crowd-

MELISSA (V.O.) You'll kill your best friend-

He freezes, unsure... Then Craig finally screams out:

SIR CRAIG Wait! Stop!

THE BLACK KNIGHT Oh thank God.

SIR CRAIG
I gotta hit the head.

Larry, surrounded by groupies in the audience, yells onstage: LARRY

Ha! Hit the head. Sweet pun, bro!

SIR CRAIG
It’s number one, so I just need

like three minutes-

THE BLACK KNIGHT Dammit, Craig! TELL THE TRUTH!

SIR CRAIG
Fine! Twenty minutes, it’s number

two and it’s gonna be a mess- The Black Knight pulls off his mask.

30.

THE BLACK KNIGHT I MEAN CONFESS!!!

The crowd gasps!

NIGEL
But if that’s you, then that means-

He stands Hal up, removes the hood and the gag.

NIGEL (CONT'D) Hal?! Oh boy.

(to the Black Knight)
You were gonna execute my best friend?!

THE BLACK KNIGHT
No, YOU were gonna execute your

best friend!
Melissa yells onstage from the crowd.

MELISSA Called it!

THE BLACK KNIGHT
I was stalling so Craig would feel

guilty and confess to framing me!

SIR CRAIG
What? I didn’t frame you! You

murdered the village people!

THE BLACK KNIGHT No, I didn’t!

SIR CRAIG
For real? My bad! I just guessed,

‘cuz you were at all those murders.

THE BLACK KNIGHT I was there because I was

investigating them!

SIR CRAIG
Ohhhhhh, that makes sense! I said

maybe it was you, then everybody started calling me a hero, which felt pretty good after years of being your number two-

THE QUEEN
Ha! Number two! Like poop!

31.

NIGEL
So wait, you didn’t frame him on

purpose, you’re just a moron who’s bad at your job? Then why were you so sweaty and uncomfortable during the show?

SIR CRAIG Cuz’ I have to poop!

THE BLACK KNIGHT Craig, I’m sorry I made you feel

inferior to me.

SIR CRAIG
And I’m sorry I framed you for

murder. Even?

THE BLACK KNIGHT
NOT EVEN A LITTLE. YOU’RE VERY

FIRED BUT- I don’t think you deserve to be executed.

SIR CRAIG
Because all Knights matter?

Everyone hates that he said this.

THE BLACK KNIGHT Aw hell no-

HAL Dammit Craig, that has

nothing to do with what we’re talking about, shut the fuck up before I beat you with a stocking full of coins.

Nigel looks at Hal, sighs, and cries out to the audience.

NIGEL
He’s right. We can’t execute Sir

Craig! Nobody’s pure evil or good. None of us are FLAWLESS.

(looks straight at camera) We’re all just assholes who deserve empathy, not death.

Beat. Everybody thinks about what Nigel just said.

THE QUEEN
BORING! We didn’t come for a

sermon, we came for BLOOD! And comedy. But mostly BLOOD! NOW BEHEAD SOMEBODY OR I’LL HAVE LARRY EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!

Nigel and Hal huddle.

32.

NIGEL
Worth a try. So who have we met who

absolutely deserves execution?
They look out at the audience and spot MYZAR THE DREAD.

HAL
Is that- Myzar the Dread?! What are

you doing out of the dungeon?

MYZAR
Are you joking? I’m rich, I was out

of there right after you guys.

HAL
Who here lost money with Myzar?

LITERALLY EVERYONE in the audience raises their hands.

NIGEL
I think we’ve found our star!

The crowd once again chants “BLOOD!” Nigel and Hal gab Myzar.

MYZAR
Wait! Please! I’ve got your money!

It’s right over... there!

Myzar points somewhere and tries running away. Hal and Nigel chase Myzar on stage... And right into the pile of pie mess Nigel was just throwing. Myzar slips and snaps his neck with a crack. Huge cheer. Nigel and Hal look at one another.

HAL
What did I tell you?! What did-

He sees Myzar twitching on the ground horribly.

NIGEL
I see your point. It’s not funny.

HAL
No, you were right, it’s a little

funny.

THE QUEEN FINISH HIM!

The crowd joins, chanting "Finish him!" Nigel and Hal look at each other, shrug, and pull the paralyzed Myzar to the stump. Nigel hands Hal the axe.

33.

NIGEL
Here, buddy. You're nobody's

sidekick. You're a star.

HAL
Aw! Thanks, Nigel. And you're not

that huge of an asshole.

A warm, tender moment. Then Hal cuts off Myzar's head. Blood splatters everywhere. Silence. Then... The crowd goes nuts! Hal and Nigel bow, drenched in blood.

THE QUEEN
That was one helluva an audition!

You're hired! Here's your first paycheck... in the form of rain!

The Queen "makes it rain" coins over everyone. It hurts.

NIGEL HAL
Ow! We did it, Hal! Ow! Ow! We're rich and famous!

THE QUEEN
Can't wait to see what you have in

store next week!

HAL
We have to do it again next week?!

THE QUEEN
AND the week after that!

HAL
Won’t that get repetitive?

NIGEL
We'll figure it out. LET'S PARTY!

Ted the Unicorn takes the stage and raps over a Medieval Rap Video Montage as the credits roll. Hal and Nigel drink, party, hot tubs, medieval strippers, get in fist fights with dwarves. Hal goes home with a goblin. The works.

TED THE UNICORN NIGEL AND HAL, HAL AND NIGEL.

LIVE IN A TIME OF WIZARDS, MAIDENS AND DRAGONS
BUT THEY AIN’T WORRIED 'BOUT THEM LIZARDS THEY JUST TOSS BACK FLAGONS-
N’ SLICE OUT THEIR GIZZARDS FOR THE RIMS OF THEIR WAGONS.
ICE COLD AS BLIZZARDS UNLIKE THAT BITCH BILBO BAGGINS.
THESE ARE DARK AGES OF LAWLESS RETRIBUTION
BUT NEW SHERIFFS ARE IN TOWN WITH FLAWLESS EXECUTION. SWINGIN' DICKS LIKE BROADSWORDS, LIVING LARGE LIKE FEUDAL LORDS, WITH GOLD COIN STORES PILED IN HORDES,

34.

TO SPEND ON LADIES AND DECORATIVE GOURDS.
HAL AND NIGEL, NIGEL AND HAL: TWO BADASS CLOWNS AND FOREVER BEST PALS.
THEY'RE HANGIN FREE AND TALKIN' CLEAR LIKE BRALESS ELOCUTION, HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL, IT'S FLAWLESS EXECUTION!

EXT. THE STAGE- THE NEXT MORNING.

Hal and Nigel stand over Myzar’s body, hungover.

HAL
So... does somebody come for this? Or-

NIGEL
Is there somebody we're supposed to

call? This part can't be our job, right?

HAL
Nobody said anything about this,

but maybe? Where do these even go?

NIGEL
Dump him in the moat?

HAL
I drink out of that moat!

NIGEL
Okay, first, that moat is gross, I

pee in there like, all the time- and if not there, then where?

The scratch their heads and look around for ideas.

NIGEL (CONT'D)
I really don't want to deal with

this. Tell you what, let's just leave, if he's still here tomorrow we'll deal with it then, yeah?

HAL
Sounds right. After all- he's not

going anywhere! They both laugh and walk off.

HAL (CONT'D) Cuz he's dead!

BLACKOUT

35.