One Eyed Pirate Lil' A Family Sea Adventure
🎞️ Logline: A fierce little pirate sets sail on a quest for the greatest treasure of all — hoping to God it’s not just “family” again.
🧠 Genre: Half-hour animated family comedy adventure
💥 Vibe: Adventure Time meets The Princess Bride with an aggressively skeptical 10-year-old girl in the lead
🏆 Recognition: Honorable Mention, Screencraft Best Pilot Contest • #2 on the Coverfly Redlist
One Eyed Pirate Lil' A Family Sea Adventure
written by Mike Anderson
COLD OPEN: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!
EXT. PIRATE SHIP
Epic music. We sweep across the ocean to a PIRATE SHIP. Pan up the prow to reveal several scratched out names: "The Monkey's-" "The Devil's-" "Okay, not this, but something like The Oyster's Pearl" then finally... "The TBD".
Finally we reach the deck, where a PIRATE silhouette poses with one foot on the rail, Captain Morgan style, looking through a spyglass. A voice yells from the crow's nest:
VOICE Land ho, Cap'n!
The pirate silhouette points the spyglass in every direction.
VOICE (CONT'D) Wrong eye, Cap'n!
The sun moves, revealing the silhouette belongs to... A LITTLE GIRL: the titular ONE-EYED PIRATE LIL. She lowers the spyglass, revealing it was on her eyepatch, then switches to her non-patched eye.
LIL
I see. Avast, Short John Silver! We
reached The Isle of The Skull!
She steps down from the crate that's been boosting her to the rail and turns to an adult but small-statured, grizzled pirate, SHORT JOHN SILVER, who's consulting a map.
SHORT JOHN Are you sure, Cap'n?
Reveal: The island is mostly an enormous, skull-shaped cave.
LIL
I'm sure. Now let's go get that
treasure, ya mangy seadog!
Lil' leaps aboard a rowboat tied to the side of the ship. Her big, drooly dog, BETTY, whines at her sadly. (We're doing Chewbacca rules: Betty barks emotionally and Lil understands)
LIL (CONT'D)
What? C'mon, it's pirate talk-
(Betty barks, upset)
I'm sorry. I see how calling you mangy in front of the crew makes this a toxic work environment-
Betty barks happily and leaps in the rowboat with her.
LIL (CONT'D) You're my best friend too.
Short John yells at the rest of the adult pirate crew.
SHORT JOHN
Remember the pirate code, lads!
DUMB PIRATE
Try your best and have fun?
SHORT JOHN
Yes... But also- whoever helps find
the treasure gets an equal share!
The Pirates are all excited by the idea of treasure, but this this whole "sharing" thing is clearly news to Lil.
LIL
Did you say equal share? We've gone
pirating together every day for months and now you mention that?
SHORT JOHN
Aye, but of course, you know the
pirate code, since on your resume you put "years of experience."
LIL
Right. I did put that- and of
course I do! I was... testing you. So that's one, two, three...
(counts the dozens of pirates under her breath)
Yeah. You know what? I got it from here. SEA ya later, losers!
Lil cuts the rope holding the rowboat and it splashes down into the water. The Pirates all angrily shake their fists and yell at her as Lil rows to shore with Betty.
SHORT JOHN
Curse you and your nautical puns,
One-Eyed Pirate Lil! Curse you! END COLD OPEN
2.
ACT ONE: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS AGAIN!
Lil rows Betty in the rowboat towards the Isle of the Skull.
3.
LIL
Don't look at me with those puppy
dog eyes.
Betty makes a face like- "that's the only way
LIL (CONT'D)
If I'm gonna be the greatest pirate
of all time, that means number one. Not tied with a bunch of sunbunt randos who smell like kelp. Here!
They reach shore to see the Isle of the Skull
LIL (CONT'D)
Hurry, we gotta make it home for
taco night or my lame, pirate- hating parents could find out about my secret adventures and...
(shudders in fear)
Sit me down for a long talk about the consequences of my actions until I die of boredom before I can become to be the greatest pirate of all time! Let's go!
INT. SKULL CAVE
I can look."
loom over them.
Lil and Betty carefully step into the cave with a torch... and trigger a TRAP! An ARROW THWOOPS from the wall into Lil's head! She screams... then realizes it's just in her hat.
LIL
Yar... Me favorite hat. You owe me
a new hat, cave!
Lil tosses her hat like a frisbee down the hall and RUNS after it, deftly leaping over/ rolling under arrows, darts, FLAMES, SPIKES, a buzz saw, etc. Finally, a huge rock SMASHES DOWN and Lil leaps out of the way JUST in time.
LIL (CONT'D)
Ha! Piece of cake! Right, Betty?
Reveal BETTY: looking like she saw a ghost and it shocked her with a car battery. She blows out the fire on her tail.
LIL (CONT'D)
Okay, maybe a flaming, spike-filled
cake. Don't worry, girl, I'm sure that's the end of the traaaa-
Lil takes another step forward, the floor gives out and they both SLIDE DOWN A TUNNEL, SCREAMING, until they land in-
INT. THE TREASURE ROOM
A grand cavern with a TREASURE CHEST, lit by holy light. Lil cautiously opens it to reveal... A GHOST!
GHOST
Yoooou have discovered the treasure
of the Isle of the Skuuuuull!
LIL
What must I do?! Answer a riddle?
Defeat you in combat?
GHOST
No. For you’ve already found the
greatest treasure of all- you see-
LIL
Oh no. No, please don’t say-
LIL (CONT'D)
"The real treasure was inside
GHOST
The real treasure was inside
you all along-"
Blabbering barnacles, you gotta be
kidding me! Not again!
GHOST Wha- what?
LIL
That’s not treasure!
GHOST
Uh... metaphorically speaking-
LIL
Every time! Every time the "real
treasure" is friendship or family or believing in yourself. UGH.
GHOST
Sounds like a lot of great lessons-
you all along- LIL (CONT'D)
4.
LIL
No, they're obvious ones! I didn’t
sail shark-infested waters and outwit the Ogre King just to get a moral I could’ve gotten from a fable about a frog stealing honey from a goose!
GHOST
Sorry. What about... uhh...
(looks around the room)
Do you want my chest? It's pretty nice. Peruvian walnut.
LIL (gasps)
That's one of the best kinds of walnut! But... do you come with it?
GHOST
Would that make it more or less
valuable to you? LIL
... Honestly...?
GHOST
Wow. Y'know, I didn't have to offer
you the chest. My job was just to tell you the greatest treasure thing. I can go.
LIL
So... is that a no or...
GHOST
Well, now I feel like I should-
Lil rolls her eyes and slams the chest shut... causing a HIDDEN DRAWER TO POP OPEN at the bottom!
GHOST (FROM CHEST) (CONT'D)
Hey! Ouch!
She pulls out a scrap of paper and gasps-
LIL
Blundering bildersnakes- A treasure
map! But half's missing- Hey!
She opens the chest and the ghost pops up, cracking its neck.
5.
GHOST
Oof, thank you! The top came down
on my neck weird-
LIL
How can a ghost have neck pain?
Nevermind. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE MAP IN THE HIDDEN DRAWER?
GHOST
Map? Oh- weird. Jolly Roger must've
put that there when he told me "The greatest treasure is inside you."
LIL
Jolly Roger?! The greatest pirate
of all time?! He's who told you the greatest treasure is inside me?!
GHOST No, you.
LIL No, him.
Who?
GHOST
LIL Jolly Roger.
GHOST
Right. He told me "The Greatest
Treasure is inside You."
LIL
That's what I said! The greatest
treasure is inside me. GHOST
Inside YOU! We've been over this-
LIL
OHHHHH HE- Jolly Roger- said the
greatest treasure is inside YOU, THE CHEST! THIS IS THE MAP TO HIS TREASURE! Where's the other half?!
GHOST
No idea. BUT- he did say something
about how he was going to "bury the other half on Cheeseburger Island." I always wondered what that meant-"
6.
Lil slams the lid back down on the chest.
LIL
Let's go, Betty! But don't forget
the chest- Peruvian walnut doesn't grow on trees, y'know!
Betty barks.
I heard what I said- just grab it.
EXT. THE BEACH
Lil and Betty have dragged the chest onto the beach and are scanning the ocean. Her ship is GONE, as is the rowboat.
EXT. OCEAN
LIL (CONT'D)
LIL
Unbelievable! Why would those
landlubbers take off with my ship?! (Betty barks)
Hm. No, I don't think it's 'cuz I abandoned them so I didn't have to share the treasure. It's a mystery. But now how do we get to Cheeseburger Island?! Hm...
Lil stands in her same Captain Morgan pose on the "Prow" of the open chest, looking through her telescope... then once again switches to her non-patched eye.
LIL
Son of a biscuit, every time.
Cheeseburger island, dead ahead! The GHOST pops up behind her.
GHOST Are you sure?
We see Cheeseburger island, much like Skull island, is mostly a rock formation in the shape of a cheeseburger.
LIL
Yes. Island namers are notoriously
uncreative. Faster, Betty!
REVEAL: Betty, pushing the chest by dog paddling. She barks.
7.
LIL (CONT'D)
Sure, I'll take the next turn.
INT. CHEESEBURGER ISLAND CAVE ENTRANCE
Lil and Betty enter an identical cave as before. She sighs, cracks her knuckles, and runs in-
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. TREASURE CAVE
Betty looks terrified and messed up once again. Lil' opens the chest and GHOST 2 pops out.
GHOST 2
Yoooou have found the treasure of-
LIL
Yeah yeah yeah, I know-
She slams the lid of the chest and a bottom drawer pops open.
GHOST 2 (FROM CHEST) Hey! My neck! I was just about to
tell you the real treasure is-
Lil finds the secret compartment is EMPTY. She opens the
chest back up and Ghost 2 cracks its neck.
LIL
Where's the other half of the map?!
GHOST 2
Uh, hi, how are you? You're the
second person I've met in like 500 years, maybe let me finish a sente-
LIL
Who was the other person?
GHOST 2
A pirate named Redbeard. As I was
saying, the real treasure is-
Lil slams the lid of the chest and starts to take off.
GHOST 2 (FROM CHEST) (CONT'D) Ow! A good chiropractor-
8.
LIL (turning back)
Hey- what's your chest made of?
GHOST 2 (FROM CHEST) English Walnut, why?
Poof- Lil and Betty are gone.
GHOST 2 (CONT'D)
You guys still there or... ? No?
EXT. PORT
Lil once again stands in the chest with the ghost, with Betty doggy paddling it up to a PORT. She barks angrily up at Lil.
LIL
Take turns? Doesn't sound like me.
GHOST
So Jane didn't say anything about
me?
LIL
We were just there to find the
other map half, sorry we didn't stay to chat up your ex-girlfriend-
GHOST
Ex-ghoulfriend. How'd she look?
LIL
Uh, good for a ghost, I guess?
They pull up to a big, loud PIRATE PUB at the port.
LIL (CONT'D)
Ah, the Filthy Bottom. A den of the
most wicked scum on the Seven Seas. (Betty barks)
Right, and GREAT pancakes. Someone's sure to know where to find Redbeard here-
INT. THE FILTHY BOTTOM
A pirate tavern covered in nautical tchotchkes- like an old timey Red Lobster, but even grosser. Lil and Betty pull the open chest with the Ghost. The BARKEEP hands them two pineapple drinks and a pineapple dog bowl.
9.
GHOST (to Lil)
I got these.
(to Barkeep, meaningfully)
Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life.
The Barkeep points to a sign that reads "CASH ONLY- NO MORALS." Lil rolls her eyes, slams the chest lid shut, then slides gold across the bar and takes both drinks.
LIL
Ahoy. I be lookin' for... Redbeard.
(Betty barks) And pancakes.
A GRIZZLED VOICE calls out from the other side of the bar. GRIZZLED VOICE (O.S)
I'm Redbeard.
Lil follows the voice to a group of tough-looking pirates...
where a bookish, beardless guy in his 30's emerges, coughing.
REDBEARD (lighter voice)
Sorry. Allergies. Hi, I'm Redbeard- (his eyes go wide)
Lil?!
LIL
Dad?!
They gawk at one another, SHOCKED. The Barkeep whispers:
BARKEEP
Did you want syrup on the side?
END ACT ONE
10.
ACT TWO: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS... FOR REAL THIS TIME!
INT. THE FILTHY BOTTOM
Lil and her father, REDBEARD, at the bar, as we left them.
LIL AND REDBEARD WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
REDBEARD (CONT'D) You're supposed to be home!
LIL
You're supposed to be at work!
REDBEARD I am at work!
LIL
But you're a bookkeeper!
DRUNK PIRATE
And a great one! He helped me write
off ruffly shirts and peglegs as "business expenses."
LIL
You're Redbeard the Pirate?!
REDBEARD
No, I'm Redbeard the CPA, and Dad
to you, young lady. But, yes, I was once known as Redbeard the Pirate.
LIL
But you don't have a beard?
REDBEARD
It's called shaving. You always
said my stubble was itchy and wouldn't give me lil' kisses.
All the pirates around them go "Awwwww CUTE." LIL
You always said you hated pirates!
DRUNK PIRATE (wipes a tear)
He did?!
11.
REDBEARD
I didn't mean it, Glen.
(back to Lil)
After you were born, your Mother and I talked, and obviously piracy is not the safest career...
LIL
I know! That's the coolest part!
REDBEARD
Between us, I didn't know what
bookkeepers actually did. It sounded like they just... kept books? Turned out to be more than that, but now the scariest things I face are papercuts and... audits.
(everyone shivers)
So, basically, everything I've done since then has been to keep you safely away from anything to do with pirates. So anyway, why are YOU here looking for Redbeard?
LIL
Uhhh... uhhh... Good... Excuse?
REDBEARD
Did you just try to come up with a
good excuse but failed so you just said "Good excuse" instead?
LIL
Fine. Here's the truth-
(deep breath, real fast)
I've been sneaking out to go on adventures with a crew of ne'erdowells because it's my dream to become the greatest pirate of all time and don't you always say to follow your dream and not let anyone stop you?
REDBEARD
I DIDN'T MEAN ME. I'M YOUR DAD, YOU
HAVE TO LET ME STOP YOU.
LIL
I thought I'd tracked down the
treasure of Jolly Roger, but it turned out to be half the map to his treasure, and this chest ghost-
12.
REDBEARD
Tried to tell you the greatest
treasure is love or something lame?
LIL
YES. Then his ghost ex-girlfriend-
CHEST GHOST (FROM CHEST) Ex-Ghoulfriend-
LIL
(rolls her eyes)
-Told us you had the other half-
REDBEARD And... say I do?
LIL
I do. So do you have it or not?
REDBEARD
I have it, but I've cleverly hidden
it where you'll NEVER find i-
Lil opens Redbeard's briefcase and briefly rifles through.
LIL
Got it! It was in a folder marked
"Boring adult stuff."
She puts the two halves together and a MAGIC LIGHT SHINES DOWN AS ANGELS SING. The halves magically FUSE TOGETHER and the angel song crescendoes LOUDER and LOUDER... AND LOUDER.
LIL (CONT'D) (yelling)
How long do you think it goes for?!
REDBEARD
No idea! There's gotta be some sort
of way to shut it off! Uh... STOP?! The angel song stops.
REDBEARD (CONT'D) Whew. Okay-
Turns out it was just a rest, the song CONTINUES WITH A KEY CHANGE, Lil and Redbeard GROAN.
LIL
I don't have time for a key change-
13.
She stuffs it in her bag and the angels stop singing and go "oof, ow etc" as Lil starts to make her way out.
LIL (CONT'D)
Anyhoo, thanks again, Dad. I got it
from here. Great catching up with you, always cool to peel back the onion of your parent. See you at home- taco night, yeah?
REDBEARD
Hold on, you're not going anywhere-
LIL
Right, Betty hasn't gotten her
pancakes yet-
(yelling behind bar)
What's going on back there?! Didja have to cut down a pancake tree?!
REDBEARD
Did you not hear my whole
backstory about doing everything to keep you from a pirate's life?
LIL
I hear you, but my whole thing is:
you can either let me take it now or I'm one hundred percent gonna steal it off you later so...
REDBEARD
Boy, I let this power dynamic
spiral out of control- All right- I'll come along to keep you safe.
LIL
UGH. FINE. Just don't slow me down.
REDBEARD
Of course! We need a crew, ship,
supplies. Gotta chart a course, calculate wave and weather patterns. If we hurry we'll be ready in three... or four months!
LIL
Three or four months? That's almost
three or four months from now!
REDBEARD
Good point, that's my birthday
week- what's your March look like?
14.
LIL
I don't have time for this! Let's
just hire whoever walks in next, then betray them when we get there.
REDBEARD
A good crew won't just waltz in-
Just then, Lil's old crew literally waltzes in. Short John is playing an accordion and counting.
SHORT JOHN One-two-three, one-two-three- On
your toes, Rufus, do you wanna look like a cow at the talent show?!
LIL
Me old crew! Perfect- They love me
and they're easily tricked!
Lil jumps up on the bar, much to the Barkeep's dismay.
BARKEEP
Sure, jump right up on the bar, not
like anybody eats or drinks on it.
LIL
Ahoy, scallywags! I got a map to
Jolly Roger's treasure and we're shoving off. Who wants in?
The pirates look at each other, considering.
SHORT JOHN
And what do we get out of it?
LIL
Fun times with friends! Which some
would say is the greatest treasure- GHOST (FROM CHEST)
Like me! I would say that!
Pass.
SHORT JOHN
LIL
Okay- I'll give you... ten percent.
SHORT JOHN Ten?! That's ridiculous-
LIL
Fine! Five percent.
15.
SHORT JOHN What? No, that's worse-
LIL
Three percent. Final offer.
REDBEARD
I genuinely can't tell if you're
the best negotiator or the worst?
SHORT JOHN
Counter offer: we take that map and
go get the treasure ourselves. The pirates draw their swords menacingly.
REDBEARD
Wow, yeah, they love you.
LIL RUN!
Short John SLASHES at Redbeard, who ducks, so the blade cuts a rope holding a chandelier that DROPS onto the crew. Redbeard and Lil grab the chest and run to the door, past Betty, JUST as the Barkeep sets down her pancakes.
LIL (CONT'D)
Are you kidding me?! Can we get
those to go?
BARKEEP (grinning)
You mean a doggy bag?
LIL (angrily)
Okay, you know what-?
The pirates throw off the chandelier and charge after them, SCREAMING with rage. Redbeard grabs Lil and pulls her out.
REDBEARD
LEAVE THE PANCAKES LET'S GO!
EXT. PORT
Lil and Redbeard run with the chest from the raging pirates. Betty follows with a pancake flapping from her mouth. Lil spots HER SHIP floating in the harbor.
LIL
There's me ship- THE TBA!
16.
But just then- the PIRATES cut off their path to the ship.
SHORT JOHN
We'll be taking that map now-
Lil sees one of those old timey rope cranes above them. She jumps off Betty's back, onto Redbeard's shoulders and grabs the hook. The crane spins her around like a tetherball over the pirates' heads and back around to Redbeard and Betty.
LIL Grab on!
Redbeard grabs the chest with one hand and Lil's leg with the other. Betty bites Redbeard's pant leg to hold on as they swing THROUGH the pirates, knocking them INTO THE WATER. Lil lets go of the hook and they all land safely on the TBA!
LIL (CONT'D)
Betty, drop sail! Dad, pull anchor!
Our heroes spring into action and pull away from port and the angry pirates treading water. Short John yells after them:
SHORT JOHN
Curse you and your daring feats of
swashbuckling, One-Eyed Pirate Lil!
EXT. THE TBA
Lil, Redbeard and Betty regroup on deck as they sail away.
LIL Everyone okay?
Betty howls mournfully. C/U: Her pancake, floating in the water behind them. Then a fish eats it. Betty whines.
REDBEARD
All right, let's chart our course-
Lil pulls out the map. The angels sing again.
LIL AND REDBEARD (CONT'D) NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO. STOP. STOP.
The singing stops. Lil and Redbeard look over the map.
LIL (CONT'D)
Looks like the treasure is there-
REDBEARD And we're here-
17.
LIL AND REDBEARD (CONT'D) -So that means we go...
(pointing different directions)
That way!
They look at each other and laugh, realizing the confusion.
LIL AND REDBEARD (CONT'D) Oh, I see. You think you're
Captain, when obviously, I'm Captain. No, I'M Captain! Stop it!
Redbeard and Lil glare at each other. Betty sighs, walks over to a dog bed and paws open a magazine named "Rolling Bone."
EXT. PORT
Lil's old crew crawls back up onto the docks out of their clothes. Short John pulls out a
SHORT JOHN
I was one stamp away from a free
sandwich!! We need a ship, mateys! A friendly, HUGELY MUSCLED Viking approaches
VIKING
I have a ship, or my name's not
Sven Sveninngsvensensven! The pirates look confused.
SVEN
Oh, dat is my name. I shoulda
and wrings water soaked wallet.
Short John.
mentioned dat. Anyvay I'll take you vherever you vanna go, if you yust help me finish putting it togedder-
Sven gestures to an ENORMOUS box labeled "Der ShïpnØfförken", next to a half-finished ship. He hands Short John a tiny hex key wrench and pulls out a manual.
SVEN (CONT'D)
Tanks! I'm on part ten of 250!
EXT. LIL'S SHIP
Redbeard and Lil tug o' war with the steering wheel as they argue. Lil pulls the wheel and the ship turns/ rocks left.
18.
LIL
It's MY ship, so I'M Captain, and I
say we go get the treasure fast. Me old crew could be right behind us!
Redbeard pulls to his side and the ship turns/ rocks right.
REDBEARD
Which is exactly why as YOUR ADULT
PARENT AND OBVIOUS CAPTAIN, I say we stop at Slowman's Isle and lay low until they lose our trail-
Lil pulls it back to her. The ship turns left again.
LIL
Boooring! I'm Captain, Treasure's
that way! Trea-sure- trea-sure! Redbeard tugs back. Ship turns right.
REDBEARD
We need supplies- We have no idea
what lies ahead- we could hit a reef, sea-monsters or worse- we could get seriously chapped lips!
Betty barks.
REBEARD AND LIL
Not now, Betty! And another thing-
Betty barks louder.
WHAT?!
REDBEARD AND LIL (CONT'D)
Betty POINTS, Lil and Redbeard turn and see Sven's new VIKING LONGSHIP gaining on them- FAST. Sven stands at the front with two oars, like a spin instructor.
SVEN
Row! Row! Let's kick it up a notch.
I see you taking a break back der, Elliot! Let's see some sweat!
LIL
How are they going so fast?!
(Betty barks)
Because they're all working together rather than arguing? Huh.
Lil and Redbeard turn back to one another- it dawns on them.
19.
LIL (CONT'D)
I think we both know what to do.
He somberly nods in agreement... Then they both grab the wheel and tug-o-war EVEN HARDER.
LIL AND REDBEARD (CONT'D) This way! No, THIS way! THIS way-
The boat flops back and forth harder and harder until they finally TIP OVER AND CAPSIZE! SPLASH!
EXT. THE OCEAN
Lil, Redbeard, and Betty tread water until they can grab hold of the floating chest, near the capsized TBA.
LIL AND REDBEARD
This is all your fault! Don't start
that again! Wait- the map!
They hear a gurgled version of the angel song, then turn to see the MAP, floating a few hundred feet away... They swim towards it until- the Viking longship cuts them off!
SVEN
Ope, just gonna scoot by ya der and
snag dat map-
One of the many long oars scoops the map out of the water and passes it to the oar in front of it, which passes to the oar in front of it, which passes to the oar in front of it...
SHORT JOHN
There we go... Any minute now-
Redbeard and Lil watch the oars pass the map off again and again... And again... Until it FINALLY reaches Short John.
SHORT JOHN (CONT'D)
Ha! That treasure is ours, mateys!
LIL
Hurray! Y'know, I was thinking-
what if we all split it equally?!
SHORT JOHN
Yar, what was it you said before?
SEA ya later, losers?! Yar har har!
The whole crew laughs as the boat takes off, leaving Redbeard, Lil and Betty treading water on the chest.
20.
LIL
Well this isn't great.
REDBEARD
If only some handsome man had spent
years warning you against pirate life. But that would require you to listen for once in your-
LIL
I was listening! The more dangerous
you tried to make it sound, the more I wanted to do it!
REDBEARD
WHAT?! When has that ever happened
in the history of parenting?!
LIL
But now look at us, on a father-
daughter quest! Sword fights, daring escapes, getting stranded! Could this get more exciting?!
REDBEARD Sea Monster!
LIL
Sure, seeing a monster would do it-
A FLASH of An ENORMOUS fish tail, circling them.
LIL (CONT'D)
Oh, SEA Monster. Well, now I wish
this was less exciting-
But it's not a Sea Monster, it's a MERMAID, who surfaces.
MERMAID
Really, Chris?! A SEA MONSTER?!
REDBEARD Sorry, honey.
Lil's jaw drops as she squints and recognizes the Mermaid:
LIL MOM?!
END ACT TWO
21.
22. ACT THREE: OK FOR REAL GUYS NOW THE ADVENTURE BEGINS I SWEAR
EXT. THE OCEAN- MOMENTS LATER
Lil's Mother, MOMAID, (Mermaid in her Late 30's, glamorous, wise) REDBEARD, LIL and BETTY all float with the chest next to the capsized TBA, which is getting uprighted by hundreds of mermaids and fantastical sea creatures.
LIL
... Then Sven and Short John sailed
off with the map. NOW WILL YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW AND WHY YOU'RE A MERMAID- ER, MOMAID?!
MOMAID
Your Father and I met at work back
in the day, but after you came along we were supposed to quit-
REDBEARD (pointedly)
That's right, we BOTH were.
MOMAID
- So now I only come back every now
and then to see old friends, definitely NOT for epic adventures-
The TBA is now upright. Momaid turns to a beautiful MERMAID.
MOMAID (CONT'D) Thanks, Coralia-
CORALIA
Anything for the brave Princess who
only yesterday battled the Kraken to return the Conch of Poseidon to-
MOMAID shoves Coralia's head underwater. GURGLEGURGLEGURLE.
MOMAID
Coralia. She's... she's got a big
imagination. Like, girl- what?! Are you even- OK, Fine! Maybe there was an occasional adventure or fifty. Let's not point flippers here.
EXT. THE TBA
Lil, Redbeard, and Betty stand on deck and pull Momaid up over the rail of the ship. Her mermaid tail magically transforms into a beautiful, sparkling gown and human legs.
LIL
Where'd that dress come from?
MOMAID
Great question! Y'know, I never
thought about that.
LIL
Wait- does this mean I can turn
into a mermaid too?!
MOMAID
Well, we know you're half mermaid,
we just don't know which half, because to find out, you have to dive underwater and hold your breath until-
LIL
Cool! I'm gonna try it!
Lil pulls herself up on the rail of the deck to jump off but Redbeard pulls her back.
REDBEARD
That's enough life-risking for one
day, let's head home for taco night and get back to safely hiding our inner truths from one another over fresh guac, yeah?!
LIL
We can't give up, we're so close!
REDBEARD
How do you know that without THE
MAP WE LOST CUZ YOU KEEP RUSHING INTO THINGS AND WON'T LISTEN?!
LIL
FINE, GO HOME, I DIDN'T WANT YOU
SLOWING ME DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE!
MOMAID
DID EITHER OF YOU STOP TO THINK THE
PROBLEM ISN'T PLAYING IT TOO SAFE OR DANGEROUSLY- IT'S THAT YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO EACH OTHER?!
23.
LIL AND REDBEARD
Ohhhhhhh no. Never thought of that.
Betty puts a paw in front of her eyes in shame.
MOMAID
Lil, I love your spirit. But you’ve
gotta listen to your Dad- he’s got years of experience and is only trying to keep you safe.
REDBEARD Ha! Told you-
MOMAID
And Chris- this is the most alive
I’ve seen you in years! So maybe it's time to stop hiding who we
are from our daughter and trust each other? Take it from me, a half-fish, half-woman, when you take two different things and put them together, it’s way better than it would’ve been alone.
LIL
Momaid's right. Let's go get that
treasure: family style! Full speed ahead, Betty!
Betty pulls a rope with her mouth, the sails lower and the boat takes off, fast! But then Lil looks up at Redbeard.
LIL (CONT'D)
I mean- Safe, medium-speed ahead!
Betty pulls another rope with her mouth to raise the sails and the boat slows. Redbeard puts a hand on Lil's shoulder.
REDBEARD
No, you're right... ahem (tough pirate voice)
FULL SPEED AHEAD, MATEYS!
Betty sighs and lowers the sails again. The boat takes off.
MOMAID
Actually, no, you were right,
Chris, there's a reef coming up and if we go too fast you'll get stuck-
Redbeard gives Lil a big "I Told You So" Look.
24.
LIL
Who saw that coming, huh? Nuts.
An enormous SQUID surfaces and waves frantically to Momaid.
SQUID
Princess, the Sea Witch returned!
MOMAID
Anyway, Mommy's gotta get back to
work, good luck with your quest. See you both for tacos later!
Momaid gloriously dives into the ocean. Soon Lil and Redbeard reach the Viking Longship, which is indeed stuck on a reef.
LIL
Ahoy, Short John! Need some help?
SHORT JOHN
No thanks! We'll be out in no time-
Sven approaches Short John with a large bag full of parts.
SVEN
I yust found dis bag of extra
parts, but dey can't be dat important, right?
Suddenly the longship CRACKS IN HALF and half FALLS into the ocean. Short John takes this in and turns back to Lil.
SHORT JOHN
Ahem. Apropos of nothing, I would
like to resume negotiations.
EXT. THE TBA- MOMENTS LATER
The last of Lil's crew crosses a gangplank between the Viking Ship onto the TBA. Short John hands her the map.
SHORT JOHN
Thanks for saving us. I suppose now
you'll be taking the map and stranding us on some atoll?
Lil looks at Redbeard, then extends her hand to Short John.
LIL
Let's go find some treasure...
together. Hurry, before my Dad starts crying.
25.
REDBEARD (weeping)
Too late! I'm so proud-
Short John accepts her hand and everyone cheers.
EPIC MUSIC. A glorious Avengers Assemble moment as the ship's new crew works together. Lil once again stands at the prow and lifts the spyglass to her eyepatch, but catches herself and puts it to her eye.
LIL
Jolly Roger's island, dead ahead!
But... it's getting farther away!
REDBEARD
Spyglass is backwards, honey.
Lil sighs and flips the spyglass.
LIL
We're almost there! And you know
what that means- HIT IT, Shorty!
Short John sings a catchy shanty, "THE BALLAD OF ONE EYED PIRATE LIL" as we see a montage of Lil and her new crew reaching Jolly Roger's Island.
SHORT JOHN (singing)
AHOY ALL YOU LANDLUBBERS SIT AND LISTEN TO MY TALE
OF THE FIERCEST PIRATE CAPTAIN TO EVER SET A SAIL.
SHE MAY BE LITTLE BUT SHE'S FIERCE SHE'LL NEVER BE DETERRED.
AND IF I'M BEING HONEST SHE CAN BE A LITTLE-
Lil smacks him in the chest. He clears his throat.
SHORT JOHN (CONT'D) SHE'LL BRAVELY FACE ADVENTURES WITH
HER WITS AND IRON WILL.
A LEGENDARY BUCCANEER NAMED ONE- EYED PIRATE LIL.
Lil leads them to a Red X on the map, so they start digging.
SHORT JOHN (CONT'D) SHE LED US TO THE SPOT MARKED X
PROMISING GOLD BEYOND MEASURE
WE DUG UNTIL WE FINALLY FOUND THE-
26.
CLICK. Lil's shovel hits something! She reaches down into the dirt and pulls out a... Bucket.
LIL
Bucket! Just a bucket. False alarm.
SHORT JOHN
Is the treasure in the bucket?!
LIL
No, just an old bucket.
SHORT JOHN
Why would someone bury a bucket?
REDBEARD
Why bury treasure? Honestly,
burying anything is weird. Betty barks.
LIL
No offense, Betty. Keep digging!
SHORT JOHN (singing again)
WE DUG AND DUG AND DUG...
Everyone's starting to get tired now. They're digging slower.
SHORT JOHN (CONT'D)
AND DUG AND DUG AND DUG AND... DUG-
SVEN
Oof-dah! Even my oily gargantuan
muscles are getting tired.
SHORT JOHN
He's right! There's no treasure!
Let's go back to the Filthy Bottom!
The pirates "Yar" in agreement and head back to the TBA, leaving Lil, Redbeard, and Betty.
LIL
But... it's gotta be here!
REDBEARD
Somebody probably already found it.
Randomly burying money is not the most secure financial system.
A quiet moment as Redbeard puts a hand on his shoulder... until Short John yells from the longboat.
27.
SHORT JOHN
Let's go, I don't wanna miss happy
hour- it's all you can eat shrimp!
LIL
I guess I learned what's important
deep down... DEEP down. DEEEP deep- (light bulb)
That's it! It's under! REDBEARD
Under where?
LIL
Heh. Underwear. The X didn't mark
the top of the island- I know where the treasure is!
REDBEARD
Sounds dangerous, I'll come along-
LIL
I need you here, doing what you do
best: keeping people from sailing. I'll be right back. Trust me.
Redbeard nods and Lil RUNS off into the waves.
SHORT JOHN
We're not waiting for her! Every
second that goes by is another shrimp I could be eating! Yar!
REDBEARD
Okay, but first we need to check
the sails for holes- And did everyone stretch? The last thing we need is for somebody tear an ACL-
EXT. UNDERWATER
Lil DIVES underwater, holding her breath. Deeper and deeper... she's clearly about to burst... her eyes widen. Maybe she's not half mermaid after all! But then- she opens her eyes and sees HER LEGS HAVE BECOME A MERMAID TAIL! She can breathe! She swims in a joyful loop de loop and passes Momaid, wrestling fighting a terrifying SEA WITCH.
MOMAID
Look at you, honey! I'm so proud.
LIL
Hey, Mom! Do you need help?
28.
MOMAID
No, thanks, just another day at the
office. Mondays, am I right?
Lil swims off and aims for under Jolly Roger's island...
INT. JOLLY ROGER'S CAVE
Lil emerges from the water and steps ashore as her mermaid tail magically turns back into human legs with pants.
LIL
Whew. But where did my pants go?!
Focus, Lil, you're almost there-
She looks up and sees... A HUGE TREASURE CHEST STUCK IN THE CEILING OF THE CAVE!!! She looks back down and sees it's right above a SKELETON lying on the ground in a pirate hat...
LIL (CONT'D) Gasp... Jolly Roger?!
Suddenly the skeleton COMES TO LIFE. It's Jolly Roger!
JOLLY ROGER
Yes?
Lil screams. Jolly Roger stands. He's fabulous.
JOLLY ROGER (CONT'D)
Oh, hey girl! Sorry, I forget I'm a
spooky skeleton sometimes. You found my treasure, good for you!
LIL
Thanks! So how do I get it down?
JOLLY ROGER
Supes easy: it's the greatest
treasure of all time, so you just gotta prove to me you're the greatest pirate of all time- which you've already done by finding it all by yourself without any help!
LIL
What if I told you my family and
friends helped me and that I would have to share it with them?
JOLLY ROGER
That doesn't sound like the
GREATEST pirate of all time. (MORE)
29.
JOLLY ROGER (CONT'D) It sounds like somebody tied for
first with a bunch of sunburnt randos who smell like kelp. Ditch them and keep it all to yourself or no greatest treasure, what is so hard to understand about this?
Off Lil, who considers this...
JOLLY ROGER (CONT'D) Sure, take your time. I'm literally
immortal over here.
EXT. THE TBA
Redbeard orders the pirates about, keeping an
REDBEARD
Coil that rope, it's a trip hazard!
Sand that railing or the only place we're headed is Splinter Island-
SHORT JOHN
Enough! Let's go! Time is shrimp!
eye on the sea.
Just then Lil LEAPS out of the water as a mermaid and lands back on the ship with her human legs. She hugs Redbeard.
REDBEARD
Lil! Did you find the treasure?!
Lil looks at all of their faces...
LIL
No... But it's ok. I've got the
best treasure of all right here-
GHOST (FROM CHEST) Told you so!
Just then JOLLY ROGER BURSTS OUT OF THE OCEAN AND ONTO THE DECK WITH HIS TREASURE CHEST!
JOLLY ROGER
You did it! You passed me test!
LIL What?!
JOLLY ROGER
Did you really think I'd reward
someone for being a selfish jerk? (MORE)
30.
JOLLY ROGER (CONT'D) No one finds treasure by all by
themselves! That's why I divided the map in two. Like I always say, the Greatest Treasure lies in YOU- not ME. It's in other people.
LIL
Oh, so the greatest treasure really
is a metaphor? Great. So great...
JOLLY ROGER
But the NEXT greatest treasure is,
y'know, treasure. So here ya go!
Lil reverently touches the lock on front. She did it!
LIL
We did it! Okay. Hand me the key.
What?
JOLLY ROGER
LIL
The key. To open the chest.
JOLLY ROGER You don't have it?
LIL
It's your chest. I assumed you did!
JOLLY ROGER
WHERE WOULD I PUT IT?! YOU SEE ANY
POCKETS?! Shoot. Where did I put that- You sure you don't have it?
LIL I'M SURE!
Everyone groans.
JOLLY ROGER
It's okay, it's okay, there's only
a handful of places I could've left it- we'll just retrace my steps from the last... 700 years!!
Lil sighs and looks at Betty, her crew, and her Dad.
LIL
You up for a LIL' more adventure?
REDBEARD You bet... Captain.
31.
LIL
Short John? Where's Short John?
They see Short John and Sven rowing away in the longboat with a chest.
SHORT JOHN
Ha ha! The treasure's ours now!
JOLLY ROGER (to Lil)
Should we tell him he took the wrong chest?
LIL
He'll figure it out.
Short John opens the chest and the Ghost comes out.
GHOST
Hey, gang! Where we going? On
adventures? I've got lots of good lessons about adventures! First, experiences are more valuable than material possessions-
SHORT JOHN
Curse you and your... uh... Curse
you, One Eyed Pirate Liiiil!
Short John, Sven and the Chest Ghost sail away in the distance. BIG MUSICAL FLOURISH. Jolly Roger, Betty, Redbeard, all work the ship. Lil stands back in her Captain spot. Momaid leaps over the ship gloriously.
THE END!
32.